Just a joke

[LennG]

Your Duck is Dead!!





A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged,

"I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[LennG]

For our friends in Scotland


Marie

[dasher]

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his
own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to
the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman
and she started up a conversation with Him. As they talked, her robe
slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor
kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few
minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my
apartment, I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment;
she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall
off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my
best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's
got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?
Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I
work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch
waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that
the best part of my body is my ears?'


Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming... that was me.'

[LennG]

THE GOLF LESSON


A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. 

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. 
Naturally, the guys all agreed. 

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.' 

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. 

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.' 

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) 

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.' The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. 
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. 

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. 

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.' 

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.' 

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.' 

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

[LennG]

EVER  SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO  I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've  got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm  scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just  put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three  times a week and we should be able to get rid of those  fears.'

'How  much do you charge?'

'Eighty  dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll  sleep on it,' I said.

Six  months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me  about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well,  Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A  bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I  went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is  that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a  bartender cure you?'

'He  told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there  now!'

[dasher]

A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted
beach in Boca Raton, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her
age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand
near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up
a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and
turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it
is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Coral Springs " he answered, and again he resumed
reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like
pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off
her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted??

The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[drakew]

Funniest story Ive seen in a long while:

MVI_3406.AVI By Jimmy Ferris Spur Texas

[LennG]

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.

We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.

A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.




She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

[Sem]

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman?

[LennG]

Maybe

I was thinking more like Rodney Dangerfield

[drakew]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Sem]

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when
they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some
are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is John.  Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Lin. When I retired a few  years ago, it became necessary for Lin
to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she
started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.  I usually
get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.  I don't yell at
her.  Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the  table.  I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at
the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked
grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's
not unusual for them to s it on the table for several hours after
dinner.  I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
each evening that they won't clean themselves.  I know she really
appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done
before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. I  think. For example she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour.

But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer
encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three
days.  That way she won't have to rush so much.  I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and t hen wouldn't hurt her any -- if you
know what I mean.  I like to think tact is one of my  strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the
yard.  I try not to make a scene.  I'm a fair man.  I tell her to fix
herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just
sit for a while.  And, as long as she is making one for herself, she 
may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Lin. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.  Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better
than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys,
even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging
wife because of this article, I will  consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
John

EDITOR'S NOTE:
John died suddenly on February 7 of a  perforated rectum.  The police
report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha
Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
showing, and a  sledge hammer laying nearby.  His wife, Lin, was
arrested and charged with murder.  The all-woman jury took only 10
minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that John, somehow
without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[bamagiantfan]

Shortest fairytale.

Once upon a time there was a man who asked a woman to marry him.
She said, "No" and he lived happily ever after.

[drakew]

FIRST TIME SEX


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[dasher]

Lenn, an old retired  sailor,
puts on his old  uniform
and heads for  the docks once more, for old times sake and  some hot sex.

He engages a lovely  prostitute
and takes her up to a  room.

He's soon going at it  as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing  some reassurance, he  asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute  replies,
'Well Lenn, ya old  sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he  asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says,
'You're knot hard,  you're knot in,  and you're knot getting your money  back.'