Just a joke

[drakew]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.... Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[drakew]

How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting,
"13...13...13."

The fence was too high to see over,
but I saw a little gap in the planks,
so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick,
then they all started shouting, "14...14...14."

[dasher]

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

[Iamboo]

So, I rear-ended a car this morning. There we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn

[drakew]

"I just spewed my Gevalia all over the screen!"

[drakew]

From court transcripts:

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

[LennG]

Courtesy of our good friend Tom Reed


From a teacher -- short and to the point.
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and e-mails have long forgotten the art of capital (upper case) letters.



For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping
your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."



Is everybody clear on that?

[LennG]

  The National Poetry Contest had come down to the
>>      two semifinalists--- a Yale graduate and a Redneck.
>>
>>      The judges gave them a single word that was to be
>>      used in a poem.
>>      They were allowed two minutes to compose a poem
>>      that contained the word that they were given.
>>
>>      The word they were given was --- "Timbuktu".
>>
>>      The two minutes of allowed time for them to
>>      compose their poems had elapsed.
>>      The judges motioned for them to step forward and
>>      recite their poems.
>>      First to recite his poem, was the Yale graduate.
>>      He stepped to the microphone and recited:
>>
>>    " Slowly across the desert sand,
>>
>>      Trekked a lonely caravan.
>>
>>      Men on camels, two by two,
>>
>>      Destination -- Timbuktu"
>>
>>
>>      The crowd went crazy! They were thinking that
>>      there would be no way that the Redneck could top that.
>>      Next to recite his poem, was the Redneck, he
>>      calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
>>
>>
>>      "Me and Tim a huntin' we went,
>>
>>      Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
>>
>>      They was three, and we was two,
>>
>>      So, I bucked one, and Timbuktu"
>>
>>
>>      The Redneck won, hands down !!

[LennG]

The  Air Force found they had too many officers and decided to offer an  early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered  for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a  straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got  to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer  who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to  the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with  a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a  little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his  outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with  $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a  grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured  replied,
         
'From  the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by  the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about  the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But  the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him  providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The  Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,'  which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip  of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he  suddenly  exclaimed,
     
''Where  are your  testicles?''
     
The  old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam  ''.

[St Marys]

The teacher gave her class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher asked wee Jimmy, "Jimmy, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes Miss. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy.   When she was a pilot in the first Gulf War her plane got hi and she had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of the finest single malt Scotch, her pistol and a survival knife.   Daddy said she drank the whisky on the way down, and just before her parachute landed her right in the middle of 11 Iraqi troops.

Well, she slashed the throat of 1 with the bottle, shot 6 of them with the pistol, killed 3 more with the knife until the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mummy when she's been drinking."

[LennG]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on  the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10  bills.  He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in  it.He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money  in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you  get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new  Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,  "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first,"  says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over  a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the  jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to  do: 

First -  You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,  and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the backwith a bad  tooth.  You have to remove that tooth with your bare  hands."


"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never  had sex.  You have to take care of that problem."



The man is stunned!  "I know I paid my $10  -- but I'm not an idiot!  I won't do it!  You'd have to be  nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other  things!"

"Your call," says the  bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the  man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn  tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with  both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears  stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in  58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.  Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud  growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then  nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he  staggers back into the bar.  His clothes are ripped to shreds and  he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.   He  drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad  tooth?"

[drakew]

I just met a woman with a clamshell tattooed on her thigh: when you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean....

[tomeee]

    There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.

    When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."

    Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

    I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

    They need to make their instructions to us "almost seniors" a little clearer!

[drakew]

Cashier says " I need to swipe your card, I said 'you're not stealing anything from me"

Different days, different vocabulary

[LennG]

Economic lesson for today...
Subject:

$7.00  Sex






An   Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an  elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'



He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.


The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'


The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and





Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.