Just a joke

[LennG]

Weekend funnies

[LennG]

a few 'new' ones

[LennG]

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is
a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,'
he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise
you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and
worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear
about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he asks her....

'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?

[Jolly Blue Giant]

I get Lenn's joke, but it still reminds me of the earliest video on the internet back in the 80's, "Combo Number 5"

Today's memes and musical cartoons are far more sophisticated then way back then...can't believe we laughed so hard at something so new and creative...lol

[LennG]

Both yours and mine would be so politically incorrect today that there would probably be protests about them.

Still funny though.

[LennG]

We need some humor to take on the draft

[LennG]

A bit naughty so beware


Unfortunately, 3 nuns got hit by a car and died, they entered the gates of heaven. There was an angel to greet them. The angel said to the nuns you need to answer a few questions before you can enter.

So the angel asked one of the nuns who was the first woman born on earth. The nun said Eve- the angel said correct you may enter the gates of heaven.

Next question to the second nun, where did she live, the nun answered the Garden of Eden- correct please enter.

The angel said to the next nun who was the Mother Superior, your question will be a bit more difficult because you are the Mother Superior - what did Eve say to Adam when she saw him? The Mother Superior said why that is a hard one.

The angel said that is the correct answer you may enter..

[LennG]

Truisms


Still trying to get my head around the fact that the words 'Take-Out' can mean food, a date, or murder.

To the paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers.  If you do find one, what's your plan?

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the 'cool table' of the patients' cafeteria in a mental hospital.

You know you're over 50 when you have 'upstairs Tylenol' and 'downstairs Tylenol'.

I too was once a male trapped in a female body ...and then I was born.

[LennG]

An Obituary printed in the London Times


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepchildren;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

[LennG]

A few more of those 'truisms'


When I lost two fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I'd still be able to write with it.  He said, "Possibly, but I wouldn't count on it."

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise daily.  But that was five hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars come out at once from a vending machine.

We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.

The biggest joke on humans is that computers have begun asking us to prove we aren't robots.

[Jolly Blue Giant]

A few more of those 'truisms'

We live in a time when intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.

That is so true, yet hardly a joke or something to laugh at...it's more like a crying shame 

[Sem]

We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended

That is so true, yet hardly a joke or something to laugh at...it's more like a crying shame 

I know this stemmed from a joke, but I'm not totally on-board with this complaint. Is it really a recent thing? I know I've offended plenty of of people over the years with my jokes . And while I do see a bit of a rise in people's sensitivity over the past bunch of years, I'm also seeing more and more people who are just looking for things to be mad about. And in too many cases looking to be told what to be mad about. School lunches, participation trophies, off-color jokes are all examples of largely made up wedge issues aimed to divide us, imo. Those pushing these wedge issues actually piss me off more than the "issues" themselves. I feel there's more than enough actual things to be concerned about in this world, without heaping someone else's agenda on top.
Now, I'd better shut my yap before I offend my friends here.

[Jolly Blue Giant]

I am so offended...  

Comedians today that DON'T tow the line, are in great demand and are thriving

[LennG]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.


She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

"Don't xxxx with Mommy when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories!
   

[Sem]

'Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now.'
Brief pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too.  He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.  But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and he may be dead.'
Long Pause
A Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool?....Is this 486-5731?'
'No, I think you have the wrong number....'