Just a joke

[Sem]

 I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and enjoyed a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
Just then, my wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "Just thinking" is because if I'd said that, she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." But you NEVER hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

[Jolly Blue Giant]

[LennG]

 

A few while I was gone

[MightyGiants]

[LennG]

 SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
After sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

 
 SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations."
But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say, "Good Job."
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.

 


 
1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

 
2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

 
3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms -- one in office and one in prison.
 This was a public service announcement.

[Sem]

[Jolly Blue Giant]

[Sem]

What the hell happened at this beach to necessitate this sign.

[Ed Vette]

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!
 
... PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!
 
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
 
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
 
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
 
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
 STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
 OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
 JUST SAY IT!
 
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
 
1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
 
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
 
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
 
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
 IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
 
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
 
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...
 
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
 PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
 
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
 
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..
 
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL or HOCKEY!!!!!.
 
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
 
1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
 
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
 
1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...

[Ed Vette]

An old blind cowboy walks into a female biker bar one day. He then asks after he takes a shot of Jack Daniels, would anyone here like to hear a blonde joke? The bartender says to him listen man I know you're blind so let me explain something to you. I'm a 6 foot three blonde with a baseball bat, to your left is a blonde who has a black belt in karate, to your right is a 250 pound blonde with the mean attitude, over there by the pool table is a blonde with a concealed handgun, and over at that barstool across the bar is a blonde with a death wish. Now, would you really wanna tell that blonde joke? The old cowboy thinks for a minute and then responds, "No, I don't wanna have to explain it five times."

[LennG]

Some new funnies

[LennG]

Friday thoughts

[Sem]

But it's Thursday. Easy to tell you're retired. 

[LennG]

But it's Thursday. Easy to tell you're retired. 

When I retired a good friend told me something I always repeat.

When you are retired everyday is a Saturday except Sunday.

[Sem]

When I retired a good friend told me something I always repeat.

When you are retired everyday is a Saturday except Sunday.

Yeah, I retired nearly two years ago and have come to embrace that philosophy.