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Just a joke

Started by babywhales, November 02, 2007, 11:44:05 AM

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Jolly Blue Giant

A 67 yr old man of significant wealth was sitting with a drop-dead gorgeous 19-year-old girl and holding hands. A fella walked up to him and asked, "how did you get a girlfriend like that?" he asked.
The man replied, "oh she's not my girlfriend, she's' my wife".
Stunned, the fella asked, "How did you get her in the first place?", to which the man replied, "I lied my age".
The fella laughed and asked, "what age did you tell her you were?".
The man replied, "I told her I was 97"
You can never actually lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon does not return, what you've lost is a pigeon

Sem

If a drummer comes out of retirement will there be repercussions?

squibber

I sing in my car but only when it's in reverse. I'm a backup singer.

Jolly Blue Giant

A hitchhiker had been trying to get a ride for hours with no luck. Finally, a car pulled to a stop. The hitcher ran up, threw his backpack in the back seat and climbed into the passenger seat.

"Hitching long? " the driver asked.

"Hours and no one even slowed down," was the reply.

"Boy, society has changed," the driver said. "People are so worried and scared now."

"I hear you," the hitcher said. "I think they're afraid of picking up a serial killer."

When the driver laughed, the hitcher asked, "Didn't you think about that when you picked me up?"

While still laughing, the driver said, "No way. I mean what are the odds of two serial killers being in the same car?"
You can never actually lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon does not return, what you've lost is a pigeon

LennG

#1654
In tribute to our late Weeze, I had this joke stashed away and thought about posting it, and then said why not? When it was put up many years ago, Weeze loved it.

Long ago, in the days of the Wild West, Weeze's great - grand daddywas a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.  He practiced every minute of his spare time but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.  That'll give you a smoother draw.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy. 'I'm learning something here.  Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.. 'See that axle grease over there?  Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'Nope,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Nope,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'
I HATE TO INCLUDE THE WORD NASTY< BUT THAT IS PART OF BEING A WINNING FOOTBALL TEAM.

Charlie Weiss

GIANTS1

Lenn i loved that joke. i told that to my son in laws group at a party a few years ago. nobody really laughed. in my group when i told it people were cracking up. later i talked to my son in law. he said most of us dont who wyatt earp is. generation thing i guess.

GIANTS1

True story.  In the 80s i use to coach youth hockey, i coached squirts which is 9 an 10 year olds.  I had one of the kids riding with me to an out of town game. back then when you got so far from town you would lose the local radio station. so when it started fading i went in my casette box an said do you like The Doors. he looked at his door an then mine an said yeah there ok. laughed my butt off.

LennG

Quote from: GIANTS1 on January 11, 2025, 09:06:46 AMLenn i loved that joke. i told that to my son in laws group at a party a few years ago. nobody really laughed. in my group when i told it people were cracking up. later i talked to my son in law. he said most of us dont who wyatt earp is. generation thing i guess.

 I had forgotten to add that that joke was posted many years ago and our late friend John loved it. I thought about posting it again and then said why not, Joh will laugh in heaven when he reads it again.
I HATE TO INCLUDE THE WORD NASTY< BUT THAT IS PART OF BEING A WINNING FOOTBALL TEAM.

Charlie Weiss

LennG

Three Nuns!!

 Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

 At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."

And 'poof' she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and 'poof' she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?", he asked.

"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
I HATE TO INCLUDE THE WORD NASTY< BUT THAT IS PART OF BEING A WINNING FOOTBALL TEAM.

Charlie Weiss

LennG

POLITICAL SMILES

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office

~Aesop~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

~Clarence Darrow~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

~John Quinton~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

~Author unknown~

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

~Ronald Reagan~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

~ Tex Guinan~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

~Doug Larson~

We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate.

~Kin Hubbard~
I HATE TO INCLUDE THE WORD NASTY< BUT THAT IS PART OF BEING A WINNING FOOTBALL TEAM.

Charlie Weiss

MightyGiants

SMART, TOUGH, DEPENDABLE

LennG

weekend funnies (mostly for us 'older' folks)
I HATE TO INCLUDE THE WORD NASTY< BUT THAT IS PART OF BEING A WINNING FOOTBALL TEAM.

Charlie Weiss

Ed Vette

YOGI BERRA'S TOP 35 QUOTES:
1. "It ain't over till it's over."
2. "It's deja vu all over again."
3. "I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4."
4. "Never answer an anonymous letter."
5. "We made too many wrong mistakes."
6. "You can observe a lot by watching."
7. "The future ain't what it used to be."
8. "If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else."
9. "It gets late early out here."
10. "If the people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them."
11. "Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
12. "Pair up in threes."
13. "Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel."
14. "Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."
15. "All pitchers are liars or crybabies."
16. "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
17. "Bill Dickey is learning me his experience."
18. "He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious."
19. "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
20. "I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won 25 games. What I don't understand is how he lost five."
Modal Trigger
Joe DiMaggio and Yogi Berra in 1955.
21. "I don't know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads."
22. "I'm a lucky guy and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary."
23. "I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did."
24. "In baseball, you don't know nothing."
25. "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
26. "I never said most of the things I said."
27. "It ain't the heat, it's the humility."
28. "I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house."
29. "I wish everybody had the drive he (Joe DiMaggio) had. He never did anything wrong on the field. I'd never seen him dive for a ball, everything was a chest-high catch, and he never walked off the field."
30. "So I'm ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face."
31. "Take it with a grin of salt."
32. (On the 1973 Mets) "We were overwhelming underdogs."
33. "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
34. "You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours."
35. "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
(Sources: Los Angeles Times, Baseball Almanac, Baseball Digest, Catcher in the Wry (Bob Uecker), Sports Illustrated)
"There is a greater purpose...that purpose is team. Winning, losing, playing hard, playing well, doing it for each other, winning the right way, winning the right way is a very important thing to me... Championships are won by teams who love one another, who respect one another, and play for and support one another."
~ Coach Tom Coughlin

GIANTS1

Rod Serling Imagine if you will an atheist being stuck at a green light behind a car with a Honk if you love Jesus sticker.

LennG

weekend funnies

Older people and phones
I HATE TO INCLUDE THE WORD NASTY< BUT THAT IS PART OF BEING A WINNING FOOTBALL TEAM.

Charlie Weiss