Just a joke

[babywhales]

The Muslim Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the
Detroit Lions.   The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.   
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues,   
but he couldn't  find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.Then one
night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in  Afghanistan. In one   
corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim  soldier with   
a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th   
story window 100 yards away.KABOOM!He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards   
away, r ight into a chimney.KA-BLOOEY!  Then he threw another at a   
passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach   
said to himself. "He hasthe perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States   
and teaches him the great game of   football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is   hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his   
mother."Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!""I   
don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us.  You are not my son!""I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man   
pleads.."I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here   
among thousands of my adoring fans.""No! Let me tell you!" his mother   
retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The   
neighborhood is a pile  of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within   
an inch of their lives last week, and I  have to keep your sister in the   
house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully   
says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !"

[LennG]

 Good one Chris. You should post that on the main board also. I think many would enjoy it.

[Sem]

Sick Hamster ---

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: My son's hamster just got back from the vet. Here's what
happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something
wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's
just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you
help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom.

One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (Again, I think with the more sarcasm.)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about
to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny
little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug.

It disappeared.

I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with
the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap.

Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact,
that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie IS a boy."

"What?" we gasped in confusion

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the
way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,
Mr.Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just... Excited," my
wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.

Then my vicous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm picturing
you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to
bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamster and our son
back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...


1 - Cage - 20 bucks...

Trip to the Vet - 30 bucks...


Mental Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's tiny wacker........

Priceless!

[Sem]

Black Bra Society --- (as told by a female) ---

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a
mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were
chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing
a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed
to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went. My
engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me
with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and
said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love
all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing
the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I
opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the
door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

[bamagiantfan]

A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.  Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for
the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
 
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.  Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
 
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.  "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." This equaled an A.

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.

[LennG]

good one. I have not heard THAT one. 

[babywhales]

Coughlin Retires....



http://www.theonion.com/content/video/tom_coughlin_retires_from_family

[bamagiantfan]

That's pretty funny and extremely well done. 

[LennG]

Funny thing is, I can see it happening. 

[LennG]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:


"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.


Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"


After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[Sam56]

Now I don't care who you are, this is funny!


There were five houses of religion in a small Texas town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.  After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called a circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.        

[LennG]

One night this guy and his date were about to go into his apartment, but
before he could open his door she said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a
man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
The guy says, "Well, give me some examples."
The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy
shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he
is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the
hole then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
"Very interesting," said the guy.
Then she asked, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick
the lock."

[Jim143]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,  their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been?  Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.  We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."  The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,  "Boy, did you ever ask for that one!   You can't be too mad with Tommy.  After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[Sam56]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah .. I see you regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.. You're going to beokay, you'll walk again and everything, but .... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it".

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is that it isn't cheap. It is $1000 an inch.

The man perks up at this. "So", the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you go for the
nine-inch, your wife might be a bit put off. But if you had a nine-inch
before and you go for the five-inch, she might be disappointed. So it's an
important decision that you and your wife should probably talk over. The man agrees to talk to his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and says "So, have you spoken to your
wife?"

"I have" says the man.

"And she has helped you in making the decision?"

"Yes she has", the man says.

"And what is it ?" the doctor asked.

"We're getting new granite counter tops"!

[LennG]

Message:

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,





HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO- BIT HOOKER' - She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a ' BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'


3. He does not ' GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)


6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.