Just a joke

[Jim143]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver

[LennG]

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR  EVERYONE

One day, while going to the  store, I passed by a nursing home.  On the front lawn were six old ladies  lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit  unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed  the same nursing home with the same six old ladies laying naked on the  lawn.

This time my curiosity got the  best of me and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.   "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front  lawn?"

"Yes," she said.  "They're  retired prostitutes--they're having a yard sale."

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR  EVERYONE.

[LennG]

The teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each
> of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young
> Patrick Murphy.
>
> "Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she
> asked.
>
> Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and
> my twelve brothers and sisters go to the Midnight Mass
> and we sing hymns, and then we come home very late and
> we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our
> stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for
> Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
>
> "Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what
> do you do at Christmas?"
>
> "Well, me and my sister also go to Church with Mom and
> Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.
> We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up
> our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus
> to bring our presents."
>
> Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not
> wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked,
> "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
>
> Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad
> comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls
> Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get
> inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to
> sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go
> to the Bahamas."
>

[Sam56]

Important things to know when traveling through the USA.


Weird and not yet repealed laws:

CALIFORNIA It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.

Women may not drive in a house coat.

FLORIDA It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

OHIO Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

KANSAS Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.

No one may catch fish with his bare hands.

OKLAHOMA Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.

State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.

ALABAMA It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. (Really)

NEW YORK It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

[drakew]

"In Kentucky, when someone drives a car over a bridge, it requires someone out front waving a red lantern.
It is also illegal to walk down a public street with an ice cream cone in your pocket.
In Ft Thomas, dogs are not allowed to molest cars. In Owensboro, a woman must have her husband's permission to buy a hat!
You may not dye a duckling blue, and offer it for sale, unless you sell more than half-dozen at a time. Throwing eggs at a public speaker can get you a year in jail (I like that one)

In Indiana, it is just crazy. First, the blue laws here still keep you from buying beer, liquor, or wine by the package on Sunday or a holiday, but you can go to a bar or restaurant and live it up.
Liquor stores still cannot sell cold soft drinks, or milk!
Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.
A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.
You can get out of paying for a dependent

[babywhales]

Sven and Ole go to hell

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go
to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He
says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?
Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesotta , da land of
snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya
know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up theheat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from
Minnesota, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling
Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone
down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying
yourselves?'

Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere
at Brainerd, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis
nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in
Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are
hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable
to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the
room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas,
bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling
and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand,
when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're
still happy. What is wrong with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if
hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'

[LennG]

Now THAT I like.

Could just as well insert any of a few teams in there and send it off to many fans. 

[Jim143]

A young, successful ventriloquist is on tour and stops in a small town to perform at a club. He

[MightyGiants]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major big shots of Rome. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn

[LennG]

Are you smarter than  a 4th grader?????????????


How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
























The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?














Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?





















Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?




















Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

[MightyGiants]

Toward the end of Sunday service, the preacher asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The preacher then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady, Mrs. Neely

The preacher asked her, "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any enemies." She replied, smiling sweetly.

The preacher said, "Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived all of them."

[LennG]

Dealing With The Burdens Of Life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull.
Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

[dasher]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
---------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00
---------------------------------

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill. He walks up to
the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes
serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the
hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"
The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

[dasher]

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.
Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo in that location.

She responds, 'It's really cool, 
if you put your ear up against it you can smell the ocean.'

[dasher]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
>
>  She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won 't stop staring at her.
>
>  She asks him why he is staring.
>
>  He replies:  'I have a question to ask you but I don ' t want to offend
>  you.'
>
>  She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you ' re as old as I am
>  and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
>  just about everything. I 'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
>  ask that I would find offensive.'
>
>  'Well, I 've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
>
>  She responds, 'Well, let 's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
>  to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
>
>  The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I ' m single and Catholic!'
>
>
>  'OK,'  the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
>
>  The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
>  make a hooker blush.  But when they get back on the road, the cab driver
>  starts crying.
>
>  'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
>
>  'Forgive me but I 've sinned.  I lied and I must confess,
>  I 'm married and I 'm Jewish.'
>
>  The nun says, 'That ' s OK.  My name is Kevin and I ' m going to a
>  Halloween party.'
>
>  HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!
>
>
>
>