Just a joke

[babywhales]

A benefit for NFL Quarterbacks having short names?



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[LennG]

OH MY

[LennG]

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee

SERVICE: "Ridge Hall computer assistance, may I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

SERVICE: "What sort of trouble?"

CUSTOMER: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

SERVICE: "Went away?"

CUSTOMER: "They disappeared."

SERVICE: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

CUSTOMER: "Nothing."

SERVICE: "Nothing?"

CUSTOMER: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

SERVICE: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

CUSTOMER: "How do I tell?"

SERVICE: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

CUSTOMER: "What's a sea prompt?"

SERVICE: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

CUSTOMER: "There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

SERVICE: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

CUSTOMER: "What's a monitor?"

SERVICE: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a T.V. Does it have a little light that tells you when it is on?"

CUSTOMER: "I don't know."

SERVICE: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

CUSTOMER: "Yes, I think so."

SERVICE: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

CUSTOMER: "Yes, it is."

SERVICE: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

CUSTOMER: "No."

SERVICE: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

CUSTOMER: "Okay, here it is."

SERVICE: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

CUSTOMER: "I can't reach."

SERVICE: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

CUSTOMER: "No."

SERVICE: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

CUSTOMER: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

SERVICE: "Dark?"

CUSTOMER: "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

SERVICE: "Well, turn on the office light then."

CUSTOMER: "I can't."

SERVICE: "No? Why not?"

CUSTOMER: "Because there's a power failure."

SERVICE: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

CUSTOMER: "Well, yes. I keep them in the closet."

SERVICE: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

CUSTOMER: "Really? Is it that bad?"

SERVICE: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

CUSTOMER: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

SERVICE: "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

[Sam56]

Why we are in trouble in America !!!
 

A DC  airport ticket agent offers some  examples:
 

   1.  I had a New  Hampshire Congresswoman ask for  an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being  near the window. (On  an airplane!)   

2. I got a  call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.   While I started to explain the length of the flight and the  passport information, she interrupted me with,  ''I'm not trying  to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts "Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained,   

''Cape Cod is in  Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa '
Her response  is unprintable. 

   3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida  package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando  . 
He said  he was expecting an ocean-view  room
I tried to  explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the  state. He replied, 'Don't  lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin  state!''  (OMG)   

4. I got  a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked,  ''Is it  possible to see England from Canada  ?''    I said, ''No.'' She said,  ''But they  look so close on the map. (OMG,  again!)   

5. An  aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas    When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he  had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .  When I asked him why he  wanted to rent a car, he said,  ''I  heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between  gates to save time.''  (Aghhhh)     

6. An Illinois  Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible  that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.,  and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that   Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and  she bought that. 

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do  airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose  luggage belongs to whom?'' I said,  'No, why  do you ask?'
She  replied, ''Well, when I  checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said  (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very  rude!'' After  putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying  laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal),  and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her  luggage.

8. A Senator's  aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .  After going over all the  cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to  Hawaii ?''   

9. I just got  off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked,  "How do I know  which plane to get on?'' I asked him  what exactly he meant, to which he replied,  ''I was told my  flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on  them.''   

10. A lady  Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to   Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer  planes?''    I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She  said,  '' Yeah, whatever, smarty!''   

11. A  senior Senator called and had a question about the documents  he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion  about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa.  ' Oh, no I don't.  I've been to China many times and never had to have one of  those.'' I double  checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he  said, ''Look, I' ve been  to China four times and every time they have accepted my American  Express! ''

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make  reservations, ''I want to go  from Chicago to Rhino, New  York .'' I was at a  loss for words.  Finally, I said,  ''Are  you sure that's the name of the  town?''  ''Yes, what  flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with,  ''I'm  sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a  Rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be  silly! Everyone knows where it is.  Check your  map!''

So I scoured a  map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't  mean Buffalo , do you?'' The  reply:

''Whatever! I knew  it was a big animal"


Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! 

[Sam56]

The  Global Facts ... At Any Given  Moment:

FACT:  79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right  now.

FACT:  58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:  37,000,000 are relaxing after having  sex.

FACT:  1 old timer is reading emails.

You  hang in there sunshine.......   

[babywhales]

Who is really your Friend?


Your wife or your dog?


If you not sure or maybe confused I challenge you to an experiment.





Place your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car............


Retrun in an hour or two and I assure you the answer to the question will become very clear.


Never forget who said love, honor and obey vs. who actually practices it!!!!!!!

[LennG]

THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON
 
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.


After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.  The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.  He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice

[LennG]

Just Enough



An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist' but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'


'I'M 96 SAID THE OLD MAN.'

'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers.'

[LennG]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the
Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the
penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but
he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about
this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his
desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without
pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.






The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little
bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the
itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal
Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen
that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this
type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick
would work as the antidote to cure the itch.






The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder,
which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked
passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's
itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a
hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick
couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report
this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.






The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder
into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

[LennG]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, Looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:


'I went by your grandma's house today and


I saw her in the hallway buck naked.


Man, she is one fine looking woman!'


The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.


His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and
Would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:


'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,


The best I ever had!'


The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad,


But the biker still says nothing.


The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,


'I'll tell you something else, boy,
Your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up,


Takes the drunk by the shoulders,
Looks him square in the eyes and says....................



'Grandpa;....... Go home!

[Sam56]

Never choke in a restaurant in the South...

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'HindLick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

[Jim143]

I found a Somalia cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania).

The cost is a bit high but it seems well worth it.  What I found encouraging and enlightening is that the cruise line is encouraging people to bring their own high powered weapons along.  If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the boat.  They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon.  The cruise lasts from 4-8 days.  All the boat
does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates.  Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package:

$800.00 US/per day per person, double occupancy (4 day minimum) M-16 full automatic: rental $25.00/day with ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor-piercing for $15.95

AK-47 rifle: no charge. Ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com bloc ball ammo for $14.95

Barrett M-107 .50 cal sniper rifle: rental $55.00/day. Ammo at 25 rounds of 50 BMG armor piercing at $19.95

Crew members can double as spotters for $30.00 per hour (spotting scope included). They even offer RPG's at $75 bucks and $200 for 3 standard loads Mounted mini-gun available @ $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire.

Free complimentary night vision equipment.

Meals are not included but seem reasonable.  Coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am

They offer group rates and corporate discounts, and even offer a partial money back guarantee if not satisfied.

Text from the ad: "We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund half your money including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included).  How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking?  We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia.  If an attempted hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots.

"We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia.  At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention.  Cabin space is limited so respond quickly.

Reserve your package before April 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice."

Here are a few testimonials:
"FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!!" ---- Stan, Denver, CO USA

"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big game in Africa again." ----Lars, Hamburg, Germany

"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected.  I bagged three pirates and my 12 yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun.

PIRATES 0, PASSENGERS 32!  Well worth the trip.  Just make sure your spotter speaks English." ----- Ned, Salt,  Lake City, Utah USA

"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM.  Don't worry about  getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those weapons they use, and their crappy aim reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam." ----"Chopper" Dan, Toledo, Ohio USA.

"Like ducks in a barrel.  They turned the ship around and we saw them bleed and cry in the water like little girls.  Saw one wounded pirate eaten by sharks--what a laugh riot!!  This is a must do." ---Zeke, Minnahaw, Springs, Kentucky USA

[LennG]

good one Jim

[Sam56]

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest ..
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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'
--A congressional candidate in Texas
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadel phia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix '
-- Dan Quayle while campaigning
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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'
--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor .
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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?

[Sam56]

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church in South Philly, they have a weekly
husband's-only marriage seminar.  At the session last week, the priest
asked Luigi, who was  approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a  few minutes and share some insight into how he had  managed to stay married to the same woman  all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a
her nizza, spenda money on her, but besta of all  is that I tooka her to
Italy for our 20th anniversary!"

The priest responded "Luigi, you are an  amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here!  Please tell us what you are planning for your wife  for
your 50th anniversary?"

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."