Just a joke

[LennG]

A circus owner runs an add for a

[LennG]

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely... God asked him,

"What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you
discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision
you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong
when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle
of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you
love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

So Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

And....the rest is history!

[Sem]

The old timers used to talk about a guy who owned a bar far out of town, years ago, who tried to start a whorehouse. According to the story, he couldn

[LennG]

Retirement


You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where

[LennG]

A few more 'funnies???"

[Ed Vette]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[LennG]

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.

Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:



Always keep your condoms in your car!

[LennG]

Some things to ponder on

[LennG]

Grandpas are special

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

                        There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning, he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

                        One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

                        "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

                        "Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single XXXXXXX, piece of xxxx, horse's ass, motherfucker, socialist left-wing XXXXX, bastard, dipshit, or son of a bitch anywhere we went!  We just drove around, and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun."

                        Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[LennG]

 Funnies

[LennG]

 some new funnies

[T200]

Nowadays it's not a gynecologist on the other end of that screen... it's a bunch of $$$$$ signs.

[LennG]

still a few more

[Sem]

A man comes home from a long day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television and turns on the game. Without hesitation he tells his wife,

[LennG]

Todays funnies