Just a joke

[LennG]

been a while but some new ones

[LennG]

more laughs

[LennG]

weekend funnies

[LennG]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE
This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.

Men Are Just Happier People! What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.  A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!

MONEY. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs . A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 5 of these items.

ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. .Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY. A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[Sem]

Mostly groaners, but what the heck here goes.

I had a nice conversation with some dolphins today and now we're friends. We just clicked.

Someone keeps anonymously sending me celery. I think I'm being stalked.

An archeologist threw a party after discovering the largest lower leg bone ever recorded. It was quite the shindig.

Did you know that a school of piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in 30 seconds? Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

Back in my day, I could walk into a store with $20 in my pocket and walk out with a case of beer, 6 bottles of whiskey, 4 loaves of bread, and 2 gallons of milk. Can't do that today. Too many cameras.

I can't believe some people don't eat the crust. It's still food. So what if it doesn't taste the same as the rest of the watermelon.

Elton John bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit. It's a little fit bunny.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

Have you ever played quiet tennis? It's just like regular tennis, but without the racket.

The sweater I bought online keeps shocking me with static electricity. So I returned it for another one free of charge.

The CEO of IKEA was just elected prime minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet.

Patient: "I'm having trouble hearing lately."
Doctor: "Can you describe the symptoms?"
Patient: "Homer is a fat, dumb guy and his wife, Marge, has big blue hair."

[LennG]

Remember the Sunday funnies?

[LennG]

A goodie


This is such a touching story, I thought you would enjoy it.

The Last Kiss

Back on April 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,"Hey Baby... Whatcha doin'up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked... "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts.. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"






"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."


It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed..

[LennG]

Enjoy these

[GIANTS1]

this guy was at the pearly gates and st. peter asked him if he had done any good deeds in his life. Well he said i did try to save a girl from getting raped. i was driving down the road an saw a biker gang accosting this poor girl. So i stopped and got out my car and walked up to the biggest biker there and ripped both his earrings out and kicked him in the groin. St peter was flabbergasted and said wow when did this happen and he said "about 20 minutes ago."

[LennG]

Monday morning funnies

[LennG]

Humor to think about

[LennG]

We need some laughs today

Getting Old

[LennG]

a few new ones

[LennG]

Twelve Commandments for Seniors


Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
"In Style" are the clothes that still fit.
You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."
"On Time" is when you get there.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
Growing old should have taken longer.
Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
...And one more:
"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house. 

[LennG]

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500.