Just a joke

[LennG]

Truisms

[T200]

So true. Comedians and comedy movies/tv series, etc., are handcuffed these days so we end up bored instead of having a good laugh. Imagine if "All in the Family" debuted this year - it would never be shown. Or some of the old SNL skits where offending people was the heart of their comedic sets (think back at some of the old Richard Pryor / Chevy Chase skits or "Jane, you ignorant slut"...LOL). Or one of the most obvious offensive movies, "Blazing Saddles" which would never ever be made in today's WOKE environment. Heck, I'll probably get a warning or expulsion for posting this:

Consider this your warning 

Easily one of my favorite movies of all time. I learned the nuance of quick-wit and double entendres from Mel Brooks.

[T200]

We need a laugh today

That "angel" was a photoshop fail 

[GordonGekko80]

Let's see how dirty your minds are.. .

Roses are Red, Nuts are brown,

Skirts go up, Pants go Down,

Body to Body, Skin to Skin,

When it is Stiff, Stick it in,

The longer its in, the stronger it Gets,

It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet,

It comes out dripping, and it starts to Sag,

Its not what you think...








its a Teabag.

[LennG]

Still a few more--things to ponder about

[bamagiantfan]

I may have read this here or perhaps posted it before, but in case I didn

[LennG]

Hope this doesn't offend anyone. Most thought it was pretty funny


The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God

[LennG]

Courtesy of our good buddy JimV


I already knew I was dumber than the fifth

graders...

But now it's the pre-schoolers!!

A PRE-SCHOOL TEST FOR YOU.

Which Way is the bus below travelling?





To the left or to the right?

Can't make up your mind?

Look carefully at the picture Again.

Still don't know?

Pre-schoolers all over the United States

were shown this picture and 92% of the pre-schoolers gave This answer.

"The bus is travelling to the left."



When asked, "Why do you think the bus is

travelling to The left?"


They answered:

"Because you can't see the door to get 

On the bus."

How do you feel Now???

[bamagiantfan]

I've always wondered what my parents did in their spare time before the internet. I've asked all 19 of my brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

[LennG]

An older couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.

[LennG]

T shirts that maybe you might wear

[Sem]

A few oldies.....

A man and a woman are on a first date.
"What do you do?" the woman asks.
"I race cars," the man answers.
"Do you win many races?" the woman asks.
"No," the man answers. "The cars are much faster."


I just discovered that the word NOTHING is a palindrome. Spelled backward, it is GNIHTON, which also means nothing.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxI was at a bar the other night when a waitress hollered very loudly, "Does anyone know CPR?"
I hollered back, "Heck, I know the entire alphabet!"
Everybody there laughed...
Except this one guy

I've been a limo driver for 25 years and haven't had a single customer.
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

I've just found out that I'm color blind. What a surprise ... it came right out of the purple.

Alexa technology has been ported over to automobiles. You just say "Car, accelerate" or "Car, turn left" and it follows your command.
But they're working on an even newer model that will respond to your thoughts. It goes without saying.

How long did Cain beat his brother?
As long as he was Abel.

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

I read a book about World War II that only had 4 pages. It was "Abridged Too Far."

The opening of the new Lego store was a huge success. People were lined up for blocks.

Teen: "I love Eminem."
Old man: "I prefer Skittles."
Teen: "I mean the rapper."
Old man: "Why would you eat the wrapper?"

Ophelia: "Hey, babe. Come over."
Hamlet: "I can't. I'm hiding a body."
Ophelia: "But my dad isn't home."
Hamlet: "I know."

Near the tomb of King Tut-an-khamen, archeologists found the tomb of his ex-wife, Nothin'-in-khamen.

I tried to donate blood today. Never again. There were too many stupid questions. "Who's blood is it?", "Where did you get it?", "Why is it in a bucket?"

I was walking past a farm when I saw a sign that read, "Duck, eggs." I thought that was an unnecessary comma. Then it hit me.

I watched a documentary on marijuana last night. From now on, that's how I'm watching all documentaries.

I'm selling off all my old chiropractor magazines. I've got lots of back issues.

The inventor of velcro died. RIP.

My doctor prescribed anti-gloating cream. I can't wait to rub it in.

Someone has been stealing the wheels off police cars. The cops are working tirelessly to catch him.

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds."
So I stabbed him.
Now, we wait.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 o'clock in the morning. Can you believe that? Good thing I was still up, playing my drums.

"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian," is a fun thing to say whenever someone tries to hand you their baby.

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother only carries a photo of one of them because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

I make apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

[LennG]

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal in minute detail while the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.


One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"


The man answered arrogantly, "Why would you be so interested in that topic?"


The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."


"What's your name? " asked the executive.


John H. Smith was the reply.


The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Service Department; "Do we have a client named John H. Smith?


"Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, " he is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."


The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting to tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could all learn something from your life's experience."


At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.


Mr. Smith began his story. "I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.


Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent.


A few years ago, when the very up-market shoe shiner on the main corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great superior location, which I promptly did.


And then, finally, a year ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."

[LennG]

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The
couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to
their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked
back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and
found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved, I love you,
Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not
sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the
money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, we've got to give it back. Sally said,

[LennG]

so true