Just a joke

[LennG]

Great sex quotes

 

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.  Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."

Lynn Lavner

 

 

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

 

 

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone

 

 

"Hockey is a sport for white men.  Basketball is a sport for black men.  Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods

 

 

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson

 

 

"Clinton lied.  A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

 

 

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams

 

 

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro

 

 

"There's a new medical crisis  Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.  They say they cause severe swelling.  So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman

 

 

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing.  Just show me somebody naked!"

Jerry Seinfeld

 

 

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams

 

 

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers

 

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin

 

 

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.  Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.  Stuff you pay good money for later in life.

Elmo Phillips

 

 

"Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde

[Jolly Blue Giant]

A man was falling deeply in love with a woman whose mutual attraction was the same. Neither had slept with the other and both believed in saving themselves for marriage. Hence, they got engaged

The woman explained to her future husband that she had to make a confession: "I want you to know in advance that my breasts have never grown beyond that of a 12 year old". He responded with, "I have no problem with that because I love you just the way you are...but I have a confession to make as well. You see, my 'willie' is the same as a newborn baby"

She replied, "Oh honey...that's okay, I love you just the way you are"

On their wedding night they went to bed together for the first time. She reached over and touched his forbidden area and screamed at the top of her lungs. He tried to calm her and asked, "what's the problem". She replied, "you said it was the same size as a newborn baby and that thing is huge". He replied, "I don't understand...it's 8 pounds and 19 inches long...just like a newborn baby!"

[Jolly Blue Giant]

[Jolly Blue Giant]

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.

The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.

One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."

[Jolly Blue Giant]

Dark stuff..LOL

[LennG]

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning
round of golf.
It was their favorite moment of the week.
Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city.
It was not quite the same without him.
 
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm.
One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf
round in the break room.
 
Curious,  she spoke up,
'You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty
good.
Would you mind if I joined you next week?'
The three lawyers looked at each other.
They were hesitant.
Not one of them wanted to  say 'yes',
but she had them on the spot.
Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting
pretty early at 6:30 am.
He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.
The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly
be up to 15 minutes late.
They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.
 
She smiled and said,
'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.'
She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them
with an eye-opening two-under par round.
She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round.
 
The guys were impressed !!!
Back in the clubhouse,  they congratulated her and happily invited her
back the next week.
She smiled and said,
'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.'
 
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning.
Only this time, she played left-handed.
The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them
with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.
 
By now the guys were very amazed, but wondered if she was just trying
to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.
They could not figure her out.
She was again very pleasant and did not seem to be showing them up,
but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!
In the third week, they all had their game faces on.
However,  this week she was 15 minutes late !!!
This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the
best round of golf of his life to beat her.
 
As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty
gamesmanship on her part.
Finally,  she showed up.
This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing
since she narrowly beat all three of them.
However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play
that it was hard to keep a grudge against her.
This woman was a riddle no one could figure out !!!
 
Back in the clubhouse, she had all three guys shaking their heads at
her ability.
They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the
conversation loosen up.
Finally,  one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer.
He asked her directly,
'How do you decide if you are going to golf right-handed or
left-handed ???'
 
The lady blushed and grinned.
She said,  'That is easy.
When my dad taught me to play golf,
I learned I was ambidextrous.
I have always had fun switching back and forth.
Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I  discovered
he always sleeps in the nude.
From then on, I developed a silly habit.
Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the
covers off him.
If his schwantz was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and
if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
 
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
'But what if it's pointed straight up in the air ???'
 
She said,  ...... 'Then I am fifteen minutes late.'

[LennG]

 A guy thing

[Ed Vette]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Jolly Blue Giant]

I recently spent $16,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.

I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.

He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days....... all my cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ...

... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[LennG]

I recently spent $16,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.

I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.

He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days....... all my cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ...

... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

Maybe I'm dumb today but I had to read it several times before the proverbial light bulb went off.

        

[LennG]

a few new funnies

[Ed Vette]

.

[LennG]

weekend laughs

[LennG]

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal;
-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.

Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles.

With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced;
-We have a brave winner.

After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;
-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!

His wife smiled ...

Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."

[Ed Vette]

.