Just a joke

[LennG]

Makes perfect sense--right?

[Sem]

Yeah, mnemonics never really worked very well for me either....

[Sem]

[Jolly Blue Giant]

I don't know if this is funny or a real life reality check:-??

[Sem]

[Sem]

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise
not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

[Sem]

A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.
On the day of their son's 21st birthday, the father decides to take his son for his first official real drink as an adult. So they go to the local pub, where the father proudly puts the head on the bar and orders two shots of the finest. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing, but goes and gets the drinks.
The father takes the drinks, cheers the glasses together, and takes down his shot while pouring it into his son's mouth. Lo and behold, the head starts wiggling and shaking and suddenly, dramatically, it sprouts an entire torso!!
"What the hell!?", screams the dad... "Bartender!! Two more shots!!"
And they do it again, and the torso and head start wiggling and shaking and BOOM, the son sprouts two arms!!
"Unbelievable!!", screams the dad... "Two more shots!!!"
And this time, of course, the son, delirious with happiness, does his own shot... and the subsequent shaking and wiggling leads to him instantly sprouting two legs!!
"Two more shots!!", screams the dad!!
"Holy ****!! Wait!!", screams the son, "Look! I can walk!! I can run!!" -- and with that, the son goes running out the door, straight into traffic, and gets obliterated by a bus.
"Hmmm... ", says the bartender... "Should've quit while he was a head."

[LennG]

A few for a snowy day

[LennG]

 Pay particular attention to the last one


Subject: Definitions for today!

�
�BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. 


 

CHICKENS: The only animal you eat before they are born  and after they are dead.   

 

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

 

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

 

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.   

 

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.   

 

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 

 

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

 

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.

 

RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.   

 

SECRET: A story you tell to one person at a time. 

 

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. 

 

TOOTHACHE: A pain that drives you to extraction.

 

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today. 

 

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.   

 

WRINKLES: Something other people have... similar to my character lines. 

 

OLD: I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"

That, my friend, is the definition of OLD!

[LennG]

funnies for a very cold day

What we used to refer to as 'Groaners'

[Sem]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[Sem]

And a bunch of pithy thoughts to start your day

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."

[LennG]

Humor for the new week

[LennG]

 Got a new crop

[LennG]

A few more