Just a joke

[LennG]

Don't remember if I posted this before, way back when, but it's worth another look


A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a n old Jewish man selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!
"Sorry, I have none - just ties."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need... Go In Peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped...

"They won't let me in without a tie.

[MightyGiants]

An elderly couple go to their doctor to ask what they can do to improve their short term memory.

[Sem]

In a city neighborhood surrounding an old church lived a young man who had been born with no arms. Clever and gracious, the young man had many friends, but because of his handicap, little chance of obtaining employment, which made him very sad.

One day as he sat in church he heard the minister say that the church bell ringer was retiring and a replacement was needed. After the service, the young man approached the minister and inquired about the job opening. The minister looked at him kindly, but asked how he could possibly ring the bell. The young man asked the minister to accompany him to the top of the bell tower. Once there, he backed to the edge of the tower, ran forward, and smashed his head into the bell, which responded with a deep, ringing tone. After much conversation the minister agreed to give the young man a chance and so, at last, he found his calling and for many years afterward parishioners came to church to the sound of the young man's earnest efforts.

Until the fateful winter morning when the bell tower was coated in a slick glaze of ice. The no longer quite so young man made his usual running approach, but slipped at the last minute and slid off the edge of the tower and fell to the street below. As a crowd gathered round, a policeman rushed up and asked "Does anyone know this man?" After a moment, one of the bystanders replied " I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

[drakew]

<heavy groan>

[LennG]

Better than a Flu Shot!

  Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond  organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated. of all
things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,they
began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few
months ago and I found
this little package on the ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

[Sem]

Breathtaking view of the Milky Way from the surface of Mars.

[vette5573]

Good one, Steve! A Facebook moment, I must share.

[LennG]

This what we call, a groaner

A  man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous  redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he  sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
********************
Suddenly  she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the  man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it  back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye  back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to  you.'
**********************
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner  together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks...  They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared  his. She listened to him with interest.
*************************
After  paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place  for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful  time..
************************
The  next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy  was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
*************************
'You  know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every  guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..  (are you ready for the groaner part?)







'You  just happened to catch my eye.'

[LennG]

An Arab was washed up on the shore of a
deserted island after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog
were washed up with him. Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Arab.
Soon he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the Arab man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most
beautiful woman the Arab man had ever seen without Burkha.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Arab started to get 'those feelings' and thanked Allah for bestowing the moment to satisfy his carnal desire. He cuddled up close to the young woman and whispered in her ear, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[Sem]

Not technically a joke but a very funny video. Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell in a skit from the old Dana Carvey show.

Waiters who are Nauseated by Food.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3K7Qc6vW5Q#t=82

[uconnjack8]

This is sort of an old one...Well to me it is, and it is also pretty long.  I am sure some of you may have heard it:

A PRIEST AND HIS ASS

A priest wanted to make some extra money for his church and thought it would be a great idea to purchase a horse at an auction and race him at a local track.  The priest went to the auction and realized he did not have enough money for a horse and decided to purchase a donkey and to still try and enter him in horse races.

A local news paper that covered the track heard about it and took thought it would make it a good story.  In the first race the donkey came in 3rd, the headline the next day:

PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

A few weeks later he won race and the headline was:

PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Cardinal heard about it and felt the church should not be involved in gambling and ordered the priest to stop entering the donkey in races.  Next day's headline:

CARDINAL SCRATCHES PRIESTS ASS

This infuriated the cardinal who ordered the priest to just get rid of the animal.  He gave it to a nun from the church.  Headline next day:

NUN GETS PRIEST'S ASS

The Cardinal hit the roof when he saw that and told the nun he wanted it gone and not associated with the church in anyway.  The nun sold it to a local farmer.  Next day's headline:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR $10

The cardinal saw that and got so angry he had a heart attack and died.  Next day the headline read:

TOO MUCH ASS KILLS CARDINAL

[dasher]

Some words of wisdom from esteemed athletes of the past

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
 
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."
 
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
 
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."
 
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
 
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)
 
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height..," 
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
 
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..."
 
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
 
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
 
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.
 
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
 
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
 
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
 
15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye.

[LennG]

Two  women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and  the other,  a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman  Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The  lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.  We've got dogs with us."

The  one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of  dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said,  "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman  with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my  seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman  said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer  said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a  seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck,"  so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."   
 
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman  with the Chihuahua said, ........

.

.

.

.

.

.
"A  Chihuahua ? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?!"

[Webster29]

Silly Little Irish Girl

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.

"Whats wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.

"Well, didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.

"Ah, praise the Almighty'" Paddy replied with relief.  "I thought I'd gone deaf"

[drakew]

A leprechaun walks into an Irish pub. Two ememies, Doley and O'Hara were having a disagreemnent of some great physical magnitude, and the little green guy breaks it up.

"Thank ye' said Dooley, picking up the green guy and puts him on the bar. 'Let me get you a stout,I was getting weary"

"Dooley me boyo, I thank ye" said the leprechaun" I be  a WISH leprachaun, and for the ale, I be given you three wishes, but I be giving double to your enemy O'Hara over there"

"Ok me little green friend, for me first wish I want a three room cottage right across the street from the pub"

Pow, a cute little cottage appears, and BAM a large mansion appears right next door, twice as large as the cottage.

Oh, DOOLEY" yells O'Hara "I take back everything bad I be sayin' about ya"

Dooley grits his teeth, and says "For me second wish, I want three of the most beautiful Lassies in all Ireland to be me handservants"

Pow, three gorgeous women appear at his feet, and ZAP six women appear with O'Hara, but they are twice as comely as Dooley's.

"O'Hara, me boy we be pals for life" yells Dooley.



Dooley squints, and mutters under his breath: "And for me last wish, I want me desire for women cut 50%"